I hate when you can trace all the sadness in your life to the one moment where you made a mistake. And suddenly it slaps you. You really are your own worse enemy. So now what do I do?

I wanna be in Nh
I want Nature and I want to go hiking
I want to swin in fresh water and see trees
I want to breath clean air

I saw a half dead tree suffocating in the city air
and I felt like that tree reflected my soul
putting on a show with half budding leaves
Lying to itself
Look everyone...Im alive
when really at the end of the day
you still only half dead

I'll forever talk in riddles
No one needs to hear my pain
Tonight was far more bittersweet than I like
One moment to smile isnt worth all the tears

it saddens me that when I laugh...it hurts

The price of happiness is far over my budget
So I settle

Chels and I saved a man tonight.
And it was an intense and scary moment.
Chels and I decided to have a day and go into the city
On the way back to the train we saw a man getting beaten and mugged.
Once we put together what was going on we went running over to the man and called for help. His face wasso swollen he didnt even look like a human man. His eyes were swollen and purple, the back of his head was covered with welts and Im sure there was a lot more than we could see.
And the worse part of it all...4 kids watched! Fucking watched the whole event go down...with out even a small amount of help. AND wouldnt help to identify the kids. How the fuck can you sit there and not help as an innocent man just trying to get home was getting beat...maybe even to death if we didnt get there in time. How could you sleep at night with that in your mind. I HELPED the poor guy and I cant sleep. His face was so bad. And he was just trying to get home to be with his wife an baby.
And on top of everything The emergency service was the worst, They took forever to figure out where the hell we where then took even longer to get there.
So I am not letting this go. I Emailed the mayor and will continue to until I get something Back. Tomorrow I am going to email the Boston emergency services and the Boston police department. In a place as public of the Boston Commons You shouldnt have to walk around in fear of being hurt.
There should be better emergancy services and better police watch. I dont agree with the manner it was all run.
On top of it all I am going to call every man in the state with the same name as the man we saved until I can find him and ask him how he is.
I know Chels and I did all we could. And I know we helped him alot. But I feel like there is more I can do.
And by trying to make awareness to create a better world for my city and to make sure this doesnt happen so much. I will.
I dont care.
I want to feel safe
I want other people to feel safe.
End of story

But right now Im to upset and too shaken up to sleep.
All I can see is that poor mans face. And I wanna cry.

Im spilling over today
and i cant fake the usual smile
I cant pretend...so I run away and hide upstairs...Because I am just to tired
I just want to go to sleep for days
and wake up someone else
someone better Happier and with the life I want.

Im tired of seeing the people I grew up with  having the world I long for
Everyone is getting married
Everyone is having Kids

And here I am dying inside everyday
Because I am so Damn unhappy

I cant do it anymore
I cant play the game by these rules
I cant smile anymore

Im to tired

Sometimes I get weird and anti social
And I start feeling like no one wants to be around me
and I get moody and depressed and cant seem to even want to do anything....
Today is one of those days:(

I can find it in me to enjoy my life at this point in it
I am lonely and sad
and the it feel like the worst feeling in the world

You Might not see it
Or think so


But this is NOT the same girl
Same Body


But so different

Restless...so very much
and I dont know what to do with myself
Im overloaded with memories
and I can help but wonder were it all went
and why it went so fast

I cant seem to survive in anything but a toxic environment
I need to be reckless
and thoughtless
and free

To act now
and suffer later

I need to be the only person hurting myself
and healing myself

I need to only need me
Coexsitsting
isnt in my code

But i want to be able to so bad

I guess I'll forever be a square trying to be round

I found that the more and more I think About it...I cant lead a "normal" Life
Because I have no idea what that is
I dont understand how "normal" people eat bread and Milk every week
Or pack lunches
eat lunch and breakfast and dinner
Dont sleep forever
Have movie nights and order pizza

I cant place my mind around how to be anything more than abnormal and Dysfunctional
and the more I try to pretend
The more unhappy I become.

Why is this my path?

I want to wear Betsy Johnson Clothing
And wear perfume created by Gwen Steffani
I want to do yoga in the morning
and have flawless make up
Skinny jeans and heals
and tattoo sleeves
I want to be a student in hair school
and wake up with the dawn
I want to be what i always wanted to be

I find myself slipping in the same patterns.
Sleep forever
Never sleep at all.
The crazier I feel
The more detached I am
The happier I become
And the more restless I am
So I stay awake for hours
till morning
and I toss and turn
and dream without really dreaming
and this is my life.
But I like it this way
being crazy fits me well
its who I am and what I know
and when i try to change
I become so deeply sad I dont even know
what or who or where
I find that really I am in love with me
and then someone makes me feel small
and I hide away all that good.
Its hard to show all your true colors
when your on to something that you cant put your finger on
like life is telling you a secret but you dont hear the words
and your suppose to be this thing
and the world around you tells you what you are is wrong
and you know your suppose to fight everyone
and you become lost.
But I think im in the right place now.
I feel like im heading where i need to be
Im ok with the roller coaster ride
and the moments of weakness
Because Im on to something wonderful

Im falling apart
Im falling apart
Im falling apart
And No one really knows how bad Im feeling right now
My darkest stuff is my burden
But its getting so lonely

I could of never imagined how much ground Ive dug up Im falling into my usually pattern...Is it just that I have yet to reach that place where my soul just stops and goes...sigh...Im home. Maybe I never had a home or a place and I never will. Sometimes I cant imagine find the strength to breath on more breath, take one more step and each second I keep my self together the harder I fall apart. Im exploding and turning and restless. I cant find a moment that I am happy in and Im tired. I cant sleep...so much worse than ever and Im sick at every moment. Here or there seems no different. I can find it in me to hold on...and Im so stuck that even falling off the edge isnt even an option...when did I lose the chance to make choices, to love and cry and laugh. When did All the things that make us human get taken away from and why didnt I even see it going. have I really been that asleep for that long. what am I supose to do when nothing feels right? where do you run? I want out of this nightmare,I want sense and peace. I want to beleive there is a happy ending to this story...but I am all out of hope and I feel more dead than ever.

I dig holes.....Booooy do I dig holes :(

"And now that it's all over
The birds can nest again
I'll only snow when the sun comes out
I'll shine only when it starts to rain

And if you want a drink
Just squeeze my hand
And wine will flow into the land
And feed my lambs

For I am a mirror
I can reflect the moon
I will write songs for you
I'll be your silver spoon

I'm sorry I took your time
I am the poem that doesn't rhyme
Just turn back a page
I'll waste away, I'll waste away
I'll waste away, I'll waste away
I'll waste away, I'll waste away"






I feel like im in a tugawar with myself.
Im not sure I would even know myself if I saw it
I dont really know much anymore
Im block and boring and I cant handle it
I am losing my mind...................

Im sure no one is listening
not anymore anyway
My hair is gone...and im looking at it like it was a sign
a chance to change my point of view
Its a big cheap comparison of my life
Chopping out the dead
and letting the strength survive
crying because my bridges are burned
when really its a blessing
you cant put hair back together
its just got to grow out in time
so when you tear your life down and light those fires brightly
the only thing left is to rebuild
piece by fucking piece
and this is where I am
at the beginning
rebuilding a better tomorrow
for me
not for you
not like it matters...
that life forgot about me the minute I become stronger than it
and I can never give any less of damn